How do I get over grief? Easy ways to handle grief and loss

How Do I get over grief?

Grief has a way of affecting us when we least expect it.  Grief can affect us not only over death but also over breakups, losing a house, or a great friend. Including pets.

Losing our close friends, relatives, and partners, can take it’s a toll on us. Especially when it is unexpected. Even when you know it is coming it is still a lot to deal with.Trapped by Grief

  • How do you explain when someone takes their own life?.
  •  How do you explain when an accident takes someone who had everything to live for?. 
  • How do you explain a stillborn baby?. 
  • How do you explain divorce after 40 years together?

All are tragic and all affect us in different ways. No matter who you are or where you are from the death or loss of a loved one is devastating.

I was speaking with a client today who had a loss a few months back which was not expected, they were left to deal with the estate and the sale of the property.  The property sold this week and with that sale, some family members are feeling the sense of loss again.  A reminder things are final and dealing with closure is tough.  I know this personally as dealing with my Father and Grandmothers death was overwhelming for me, I explain this is more detail in my book. Grief, Sadness, Guilt

There are steps you go through when you face death or a loss: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the pioneering psychiatrist, proposed this model of grief in her famous treatise On Death and Dying in 1969.

  • Denial and Isolation
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

I am not sure if it is always this way or even in that order. The American Institue of Stress explains about grief here.

My opinion is that everyone goes through losing a loved one in their own way depending on the relationship they have with the person and also their emotional state at the time.
We acquire life experience through experiencing life and not everyone has the same life experience even if you are part of the same family your experience is different.
Consequently, your reaction to losing a loved one and you are coping with that loss will be as individual to you as your own life experience is.
My own experience and that of some of my clients did not always have all of the 5 stages and not in any order.
The first death I experienced was my beloved Grand Mother, she was my mentor, teacher, guide, and a real mother to me. She was 94 when she passed after Overcoming griefa very short illness. She was born in 1900 and I loved hearing all her stories of how technology and the world had evolved from Victorian times. I still miss her very much even now. I wondered many times of how to overcome the grief.

I was in a funeral home the other day and went into one of the rooms which were set up for a service.  The open casket was already there even though the service was not for another couple of hours.  I looked at the person, who I did not know, I still felt the loss and the grief the family must be feeling, the person looked young and I do not know the circumstances of their passing but it was still sad and still affected me.

Grief can also be included with the change of circumstances in your community, your country and the economic situation you may find yourself in.  I know as I get older I am now wondering how to cope when my husband dies if he dies before me.  I also wonder how I am going to be able to support myself.  These are all questions that arise throughout our lives.  If a single parent does not have the legal paperwork in place for their death then the grief of the survivors can be more overwhelming if the children are not provided for.

Overcoming Grief

If we allow all of these sad feelings for others to affect us without dealing with them we will one day wake up with overwhelming sadness and not realize why. This happened to me when my father died.  As I go into detail in my book after 5 years it was still like it was yesterday.  I had to get professional help as life was very miserable for me.

I encourage all my clients to tap every day using Emotional Freedom Techniques on what makes them sad, angry, fearful, anxious no matter how small.  Small things build into big things and when they reach the stage of being overwhelming we then become in a state if un-ease and dis-ease.

As I tap on myself today because of the sadness for so many attending funerals and hearing of deaths to-day I know I will release what is not mine.

Let go of others grief and sadness so you can recognize your own thoughts and feelings.

Keep tapping and using EFT or any other modality you are familiar with, do not let it build up.

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Please share with others as nearly everyone has some grief in their lives they are trying to overcome.

 

 

 

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32 Comments

  1. Reply

    Grief is a very difficult topic to approach as it each of us may handle it in our own ways. What’s important is that we are supportive to those in grief. Let them take their time to mourn and tend to their losses. Don’t rush them to get over it by saying “It’s only a breakup”, “It’s time to get back up”. Most people do stand up after they find their closure. What’s your thought?

    • helenvella

      Reply

      Yes I agree with you, everyone has a different process and time frame and there is no time limit on grief. However if it goes on for years and years then there is a case for getting professional help.

  2. Reply

    Hello Helen.

    This is a very interesting subject and I believe that this post is going to help a lot of people who can’t cope with grief.

    Personally, I am dealing with loss extremely well. I think that it has something to do with my ability to adapt very well to various situations.

    I lost my grandmother as well last year and she was the woman who raised me and loved me like anything else, maybe because I was her first grandchild 🙂

    I was sad, but not devastated. I have accepted death. Everyone is going to die eventually and if you think about it, death does not affect the dead. It affects the alive, those left behind.

    And know as I am writing about this, I remember her and feel no sadness. In fact, I am smiling.
    Death is the most natural thing in the world.

    Be well.

    Harry!

  3. Reply

    Hello Helen =)

    This is a very important topic.

    There are not enough people who are aware of how to actually deal with grief, they go throughout their lives struggling with it and never really removing it.

    However, the content you have shared in this post is incredibly helpful and will work for anyone who applies it.

    Thanks =)

    • helenvella

      Reply

      Glad you think this is an important topic because so do I Lawrence. There are so many people overwhelmed with grief and causing there life to not be as content and happy as it could be. Anything I can do to help especially as I know how it feels, having gone through this myself.

  4. Reply

    Hi Helen,
    Thank you so much for this post. We have all dealt with grief, and so many people just don’t know how to handle it. Some of your words really hit home. I will be sending this page on to my mother as she is still dealing with the loss of my father. Thanks again!

    • helenvella

      Reply

      Thank you for sharing with others. There is always someone coping with and dealing with grief. Especially around the holiday time it seems to be worse.

  5. Suzanne

    Reply

    Thanks for writing this post. Grief can be a very difficult thing to deal with on a daily basis. One thing that has helped me are my dogs. The provide unconditional love and their presence means I have no choice but to get out and walk everyday at some point.

    • Reply

      Pets are a great help sometimes during the grief process. I am glad they are helping you. Grief is a personal thing and everyone copes their own way. Thanks for your comments

  6. Reply

    Helen, as someone who lost several loved ones in the past 10 years, I totally agree that each of us copes with that loss differently. I lost two family members to murders and then my beloved mother in December of 2005 after battling cancer. To this day I still have moments of grieving as I miss the woman I came to become best friends with. I allow myself to feel the emotions and cry as I need to then I look at happy pictures of her and imagine her in a better place free of cancer. That gets me past the deep pain within me. The mind tries to think of all the “what ifs” to cause you to feel the loss more intensely, however, I make a personal choice to say, life happens and we do not determine after the fact to relive it, therefore, focus on the good that happened. I too use Rescue Remedy and it has helped me during high anxiety moments whether due to hormonal reasons or emotional reasons. I even use it to help me sleep. You inspired me to write a book about the life of mom as she had a difficult life but she smiled until the last moment. Thank you for such a wonderful article. You reminded me of my dear grandmothers who are both gone but very close to my heart. 🙂

    • Reply

      Carmen, I am glad you have found a way to help with your loss’s. Writing a book is very cleansing I know when I wrote mine it helped with quite a lot of things in my life. Rescue Remedy is in my first aid box and I use it for lots of things. Good luck with writing your book.

  7. Reply

    It was an Interesting piece of writing. Personally, I feel that you can never get over grief Permanently, yes you get over, but the sudden remembrance of those lost loved ones take you back to the depression 🙁

    • Reply

      True you never get over it but the goal is to be able to function without going back into the depression and to remember them with love and peace. Thank you for sharing.

  8. Julie

    Reply

    I lost my mom a few years ago this past April. One of the most profound things I ever heard was that grief will come in waves for the rest of your life. I’ve found that to be very true. I can’t imagine ever “getting over it” but I do know that the waves come and go, some large and painful, some small and only sting a little. Or maybe it’s just a whooshing emptiness I feel for a moment after experiencing something that reminds me of her.

    • Reply

      Yes you are right you never truly get over it. My Dad died 18 years ago and sometimes it still feels like yesterday and other times it has a calming feeling. Thanks for your comment.

  9. Reply

    You are right when you said grief isn’t just about death. It comes from the experience of losing. Whether the losing actually takes place is secondary.

    When my kid was two, he basically collapsed in my arm suffering from febrile fit. Back then, I didn’t know what it was. I only know that I’m losing my child in that instance. It was the most horrible moment in my life.

    Although I knew that it was not life-threatening later, the experience is already deeply etched in my emotional memory.

    • Reply

      I know exactly how you feel, my granddaughter had one at 9 months and we did not know what it was at the time. My second granddaughter had one at 2 years. We now know when they ever get a temperature to take watch them like a hawk because my second granddaughter had another one when she was 7. Very scary.

  10. Reply

    Griefing is different for everyone. When I lost my brother at age 25 I didn’t cry but I had a headache from the time he died until the time he was buried. It would not go away. Plus I was pregnant at the time. There is a saying …”Life goes out, Life comes in”.

  11. Sam

    Reply

    Great post. Last year I lost both of my Grandparents within a month of each other. One was from an aortic aneurysm and the other followed her husband a month later with a brain tumor. It was hard since I was at school and didn’t have money to fly back to see the funerals. It’s almost more difficult to comprehend when you’re not there to see them. It’s like to me they’re still over at there house where they always were. Death’s definitely a hard thing.

    • Reply

      Yes that is hard, and until you visit again you may not get closure until then. I wish you all the best in the meantime, it takes time. Thanks for sharing.

  12. Reply

    Hi Helen,
    Nice work on a very helpful article on an important part of life we all will experience. I’ve allowed myself to recognize and honour whatever it is that I’m feeling – grief, pain, sadness, happiness, etc – as it’s all part of the journey. It is remarkable what we are able to absorb and keep moving, as you described with the grief of losing your father. You’re equipping people with very helpful information and I’m thinking a lot of people will find this article when they are searching for help online at a difficult time. I wish them – and you – peace of mind and heart. Good for you for providing this wonderful resource.
    All best wishes,
    Kevin

    • Reply

      Hi Kevin,
      Thank you so much for your comments. I realized what a big topic is was when my clients would come see me. There was always some sort of grief to deal with, when I went through mine it gave me a much better understanding of what it feels like.

  13. Wendy

    Reply

    I think we are all different as far as how long grief lasts. The most important thing is to let yourself go through the stages and understand that it is okay to feel sad or angry. It does pass. And there is always a brighter future.

  14. Reply

    Dear Helen,

    Thank you for this much needed post. Growing up, I have come to realize that humans are very mortal beings and that we are so fragile. The feeling of losing a loved one is so raw and heart breaking that you don’t know what to do with yourself. I’m sorry for the losses you have experienced, Helen. Thank you for the helpful suggestions and I hope you live life to the fullest. Blessings~

  15. Reply

    Hi, Helen! Thank you for your sharing!
    It is very sad to lose our loved ones. My grandmother passed away last year and I still remember how sad my mother was at that time. That intense grief would last for a very long time if she didn’t ask for help. She relied on gardening at that time to distract from grief and she’s fine now. Rescue Remedy was also important at that time.
    So, I think your post is very useful. Because it is not easy to overcome grief.

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